I feel what I say. My every word, my every utterance is associated with a specific feeling that resonates within me when I speak. As of late I’ve come to realize that I bail out of a conversation too early…like a teenage boy pulling out in time for his premature ejaculation.

After much worry, hair loss and severe outbursts of stress pimples I decided it boiled down to one thing - my inability to feel. This numbness has overpowered my mind and soul, impeding both of a thirst for knowledge and intellectual conversation.

As ironic as it sounds I no longer want to feel this way but I can’t find a solution or a path out of this soul-sucking maze.


My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. “Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?” they asked me the other day.

I told them this story:
In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, “Look at me…I’m tall, and I’m straight, and I’m handsome. Look at you…you’re all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you.” And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, “Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest.” So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.

Tom Waits
You know your tailbone? It used to be a tail. That pink part in the corner of your eye? Your third eyelid. The appendix used to help us digest tough foods. Now it does nothing. The story of our evolution is the story of what we leave behind, what we’ve discarded. Our bodies only hang on to the things we absolutely need. The things we no longer have use for, we give up, we let go.

Why does it feel so good to get rid of things? To unload? To let go? Maybe because when we see how little we need to survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are. To strip down to what we really need. To hang on to only what we can’t do without. Not just to survive but to thrive.
Meredith Grey
(Season10, Ep.15-Throwing It All Away)